meh.

Today I woke up and I realized...

"shoot, this work thing really makes me feel a little depressed."

The work is good.
Its the waking up at the same time everyday that really brings me down.
I wonder how long till it goes away and I'm okay with the monotony.
Or if it will never go away, and
...you just get used to it.

Either way, shitty deals.

Hmm, on a positive note: I got my first paycheck and spent half of it already ;o)
And my purchase, well she is a beauty and her name is Sally.

I think I figured out what I like about school.
There's an end.

When you go to work its like forever.
I will be working for a full month before any holiday shows up.
Which is why I was really looking forward to a furlough today, but No, we have to wait until the 6th for the special day.
But whoop-de-doo, we already get a Holiday on the 11th. Grrr.

Plus, working makes me tired.
I don't have time to watch my shows.
And it just drains me.

So either I'm old,
or work is more draining than studying.
Plus at least when it came to school, you could procrastinate and have breaks.
Class only lasted till lunch.
And yeah.

I love school.
And I'll be back to it shortly.

On the 8th day of work.

On the eighth day of work I went in and came home. I would have called in sick, but I didn't know the protocol to do so. Lameness I KNOW! WTF. There are a number of possible contributing factors to my sickness:
1. I was going on my 9th day of no poopage.
2. Air conditioned office = circulated air and allergens that my body is not accustomed to.
3. Being cold then hot then cold.
4. The adjustment of waking up, going to sleep and doing something every day.
5. Being exposed to new people every day.
Either way, today was a sick day without pay since I have not worked enough to collect a paid sick day. Totally worth it though. I have fevers, sinus pressure in the head, behind the eyes and ears. When I sneeze sometimes, my ears hurt for some time. I was having chest pain and body aches. All amounting to what could possibly be the flu, but that has to not happen since I still do not have health insurance. So I stayed home to rest, and tomorrow I will go back into the office with Sudafed and a new lease on life and work.

P.S. Little Girl is fascinated with the cursor on the screen and its adorable.

It was inevitable.

I start my real life, working adult job on Thursday and every time I allow myself to feel the entirety of this reality, my breathing becomes deep, my heart beat quickens and for a brief moment -I stop breathing altogether. So for now, I'll take it one step at a time. I'll fill out the forms. I'll call and ask where I report and what time. I'll pick out the perfect outfit, and most of all -wear great shoes. I think my first purchase with my first paycheck will be a leather bag full of pockets, like the ones professors carry around. It'll make me feel official, and I've always wanted one -just never had a reason to get one. To add to my justification, there will be days I'll be walking in the rain, so I'd preferably like my belongings dry :)

In other news, life has been moving at a pace I can enjoy. Which makes me feel like I've been living each day very well. If it were going too fast then I was having too many things going on in my life, and if it were going too slow then I wasn't doing enough. My porridge is juuuuuust right. Last week, Teri took me ziplining in Waikapu and it was very nice, early -but nice. It was a definite great change in pace from our usual routine. Other than that, we've been hanging out with friends and making sure we don't get too caught up with just hanging with each other (which I astonishingly found, I am capable of).

Well thinking about what I've been doing is only intensifying my headache so peace out homies.

Why I think my grandpa is awesome.

He slipped today and his reaction is:
Its a part of growing up.

And my grandma replies with:
Its a part of growing old.

And my reaction was:
Optimism at its best :)

Oh Shit Life.

I got the Job.
And I said Yes.
And now, I have a Job.

OH SHIT LIFE!

If my room is a reflection of my life.

Then I'm a mess.
Emotions piled in random corners of my soul.
Or something.

Because that is the only message I get from this once so beautiful room of mines.
I've managed to allow time to piss on it.
Its quite fascinating actually.

I should make a point to be home more often.
So I can take care of this mess.
But right now, I'm too tired.

I must get dressed.
Take a nap.
And wait for Teri to call so I can pick him up.

Little does he know, I'm going to ask him to drive today :)
Lets see if that works.

Lets hope it stays at a sore throat.

Jalene is not allowed to develop a cough.
Jalene is not allowed to develop a cough.
Jalene is not allowed to develop a cough.

I have a sore throat.
My mom said thats how it starts.
Jalene is not allowed to develop a cough, because Jalene's coughs go directly to her chest.
Bronchitis here Jalene comes.
And since I have no health insurance, pneumonia surely to follow.
Lets hope that my immune system can withstand these feelings of fatigue and body aches and make me magically better tomorrow morning.

Maybe I should go to sleep now.

7 days.

Not like I'm counting or anything...

OMG Life.

It was one thing to apply for a job, another to take the entrance exam. And a whole new level to get a letter in the mail asking for an Interview commitment. I suppose its good that I've finally given myself a timeline here on Maui, and a more definitive plan on graduate school but shittymcpherson, the decisions I make henceforth are epically impactful on the path my life will lead. There were days that I would talk to Alex and we wished our lives would take forth on the journey we always imagined for ourselves, but when the moment is starting to unfold my heart and head is full of anxiety and wanderings.

Here is path A:
-work as a Social Worker for at least two years, gain experience and commitment.
-apply for graduate school, possibly Law or Business.
-volunteer on the weekends

Here is path B:
-officer training school for the Air Force.

The Air Force is unexplainable force in my life. I don't know its origins, but I do know thats its something I always wanted to do in my life. I believe it was the summer of 8th going onto Frosh year when I decided that I wanted to attend the Air Force Academy. I was so determined that I made my password for Xanga, airforce and AIM, military. I remember doing that because I did not want to allow myself to forget that its something I really wanted to do. Then it came down to applying and the Physical Aptitude Test sparked my flakiness and laziness and pure stupidity. Though I can't say that I regret not applying, but its one decision, I sometimes wonder, how that path might have lead me. And now I find out about this officer training program and I want to do it.

Decisions...
I should talk to a recruitment officer.

The Pali.

Jared, Jordan, Tami and I went hiking on the Pali trail Saturday. It was grueling.
Walked to the head, walked past the head, added two extra miles, found the head and began the hike, fatigued.
Then it was all Uphill from there, literally.
I kept thinking, Man I should not have flaked out on my lunch date.
But then had to quickly convince myself that I have wanted to do this hike for YEARS.

Never again.

AND Break.

Wow, I definitely had something to say here before a noisy truck went up my street. Which, somehow, cleared my thoughts just as quickly as the tide to sand.

Hmm... I saw a shooting star above the intersection of Kaahumanu and Beach Rd. which is pretty amazing considering the light pollution. It brought a giddy smile to my face :) The other night/morning I also got to watch a cane fire for the first time in my life. That was simply amazing. And breathtaking (and no, not because of the smoke). I think I have to take more joy rides between the hours of four and five to catch another.

I remember now, what I was going to say.
I think I'm going to have no problem gaining the weight I lost over the past month.
All it takes is some home cooking. No more eating out for this girl. And its not the chang part of me either.
Its my stomachs LOVE for home cooking and RICE.
On Tuesday night my mom made me steak and potatoes. Enjoyed every bit.
Tonight I had pork chops and rice. SO GOOD. Even managed to eat round two of dinner an hour later, and two hours later eat a kim chee bowl.
Maria is right. My stomach is growing again :) WOOHOO.
Thank goodness.
I don't like my pants not fitting properly. Those are expensive pants.
And short shorts don't do well when they are overly big, seeing as I already purchase them too big for myself.
Lets just hope this pound I managed to gain with all this food intake isn't false hope since I haven't pooped yet.

On a less grotesque note for the TMI folks, I am watching ICE AGE with the cousin + friend and G-ma. I'm pretty excited! Whats more amusing though, is the thought of my grandparents going to watch The Hangover tomorrow night. If it weren't for Obon, I'd love to witness THAT. Speaking of Obon, I must check on the fellow Obon lovers to see if they are up for Kahului tomorrow/tonight :D

Nighty night.
Its time to continue my diligent reading of the final installment of the Harry Potter series. Take two.
Which, in this case, I'll fall asleep at roughly the third or fourth page I get to.
If I manage to read this book one more time, it WILL BE the first book I have EVER read twice.
oOooooo.

Liver damage.

Wednesday night - Tiki Lounge
Thursday night - Oceans + Tiki Lounge
Friday night - Oceans

Wow.
When will I ever make it to Obon?
July 10th. I think I might just have to be there.

If not the next weekend is Kahului. And I ain't missing that for the world.
Okay I have to stop thinking about Obon cause its making me too excited.

I wonder if we are going out again tonight?

Alex.

I love you.
And our friendship.
And our talks.
And I wish we could escape life and go on a day trip to Boston for the day.
Like the good ol' days.
When there was not a worry in the world but the ones created in the cute Smith College bubble.

I've been thinking.

Life is pretty uncertain.
I like the idea that life is not constant. That one decision will branch us off into another direction, and thus forth.
We create our paths by the decisions we make.

Okay its too early to be thinking about life this hard.
I'm getting a premature headache.

Wow. Its been a month.

more or less.

It says the last time I blogged was May 19th. That was the day a couple of college friends arrived for their two week vacation in PARADISE. Yes, I went there. They stayed for exactly two weeks, not a moment longer or a moment shorter. And a packed two weeks it was. I was never one for itineraries but it surely seems like I followed one. Although there were some key restaurants that I wanted to take them to, we didn't make the time. I'm pretty sure they both enjoyed themselves so thats all that matters.

Enter: June 2nd.
Hibernation till the 3rd.
I was hoping for longer.
But boy, people like eating lunch.
I mean I like eating lunch.
But I guess, I like eating free lunch (aka: home cooked lunch).
Like homemade, from scratch hash browns fried in butter and olive oil with bacon and fried egg.
Oh. Watery mouth.

The next three days were lunch dates and then, whew, the weekend.
Somehow its now the 16th.
And yes, I had to check the calendar for the date.
Its now been over a year since I graduated college and my retirement from college has been fairing me quite well.
I applied to, in total, my third job.
Lets hope I have better chances this time.
Job search take 2 tomorrow.

what i've done with my life

here is the picture i've promised :)

the end is so near...

22 flat white cabinets
12 medium maple stained cabinets
2 lazy susans
12 drawers
18 aged bronze handles
30 aged bronze knobs
later...

and all i have to do is paint the kitchen an unknown color.
maybe chalkboard black.

So I started to paint the cabinets

On Monday. I painted the fronts of seven cabinets and the surrounding areas. On Tuesday I decide to see what staining was going to look like. I figured if I stayed on one wall then I'd be safe, see if I liked it first. I mean, I was doing this project on my own, no one offered to help me. Phish, and it was my first time ever staining too. So I needed a test run, right? Tuesday my grandpa says he'll help me stain the rest of the cabinets because its the hardest part. So today, Wedneday, we stained 14 cabinets, 11 drawers and 2 lazy susans. I sand papered every bit of those woodworks. My fingers are in pain, my backs at a cramp, and my shoulder is tense. Tomorrow, we will stain the surrounding areas of the bottom portion of the cabinets. And hopefully be able to put the cabinet doors back on by the afternoon. Then perhaps star painting the rest of the cabinets, 20, +2 since I made a mistake. I sanded from 830-330, with a 30 minute lunch. So pardon me for my following rant:

My dad is sitting in the kitchen tonight. There is no television right now because well the kitchen is under renovation. My father says to me, why haven't you painted the cabinets yet, we need the counter space. I said, Grandpa wanted to do the staining first because its the hardest. His reply, He didn't say that. I said, Yes he did (thinking in my head, wtf you think i'm lying you untrustful father figure you are). I say, okay if you want it done why don't you paint it or help. I mean, I bet if he did the painting, the job would have been done much faster. I mean, I'm pretty sure he is a painting contractor. He is professional and I am a novice. I am doing it because no one else will. I think he has no right telling me how fast I should be painting and how I have to get thing done. If he was aware that he is also living in this house then maybe perhaps he would have enough sense to realize that he could help too. He could help out with the daily chores around the house, instead of hanging out with his adoptive family every weekend. I have no qualms with you not being home on the weekends, but when you start to dictate how I should be doing things in the house you don't even seem to have any concern with, well them boo to you. You fail.

cake pops

I might have mentioned it here once, but while I was abroad I went on a dessert cruise. I had the most delicious dessert of my life and have no idea what its called or what it was made of. I am hoping that CAKE POPS will somewhat recreate that delicious flavor. And if it doesn't, I'm going to tweak this recipe until it comes out to what I want it to be. My mom bought me some fondant and I was going to decorate my own cake, but these cake pops have caught my attention.

Today, I sketched the design I want to implement in my backyard. I think the deck will add a wooden feature that is needed in that concrete jungle. Plus it would be nice to put a lounge chair OR my hammock on the deck and look out at the sea. The fire pit, well I've always wanted one and well, winter...it gets cold :) It could also be used to make awesome SMORES. The benches would also add a good seating arrangement for hosting parties. Who knows if the rest of my family would agree with this.
I also sketched out a design for a cat house.

Liquid Deglosser costs $6. I can't wait to get some white paint to start the cabinets in the kitchen. YES, I'm going to start. AND I don't have to sand either :)

a few days ago,

(inspired, probably, from Twilight mania)
I had another dream about being a Vampire. The first dream, I did not bite anyone, but the other night, I did. I bit a vampire hunter, a female Van Hielsing. For some reason I was on a run and I had all my cats with me. The taste of human blood did not taste good at all, and at first I couldn't even breach the skin. But I had to do it to save my life.

Today I had a dream within a dream. But mostly it was about falling for a tall handsome boy who was presumably not human. He had a family too. I think it started from staring into his eyes. When ordinary people stare into his deep brown eyes, they look away. But I was different and he knew it. So I became a follower. I think one of their kind got caught and we had to go and save her. And it gets fuzzy from there, because thats where the dream turns into another dream.

Harry Potter is on television today. I love Harry Potter.

whats my age again?

hahahaha.
so i was trying to "ho-ha-ho-ha-ha" to that kaiser(?) commercial.
i was definitely trying hard for at least 2 seconds.
i look to my right and realize that little guys big eyes are staring up at me, then i look down and little girls big eyes are also staring at me.
they were concerned.
hahaha.
still funny.

And this tells me how I can add glass to the cabinets. So cool.

This is how I want to make our kitchen cabinets.

earth day wednesday.

i want to plant a tree
and watch the hannah montana movie.
i also want a wii
and guitar hero world tour.

i forgot what it was like to want 'things'.
its fun, and consuming.

yay for birthdays.
and years older.

Birthday week.

I went to the Fashionistas Market today, and it wasn't what I expected. It was a madhouse of nothing. The clothes were gone so fast, taken off the racks, probably in handfuls. I didn't fall in love with anything all day, except maybe another pair of shorts, white or grey. Finally got to go to HIC, wanted to buy a pair of slippers, but they didn't have the straps I wanted, so we'll have to wait on that. Too bad Lahaina is so far away, as my grandpa put it (in a way that I never thought hard about), on the other side of the mountain. Oh, I went to Lahaina Farms today, first time, they have my ICE CREAM, but I want to try the yogurt next. WOOHOO. I think this is what I want for my birthday. Its the only thing I've fallen for.

Anything is possible.

This is my inspiration. I'd like to build a sofa somewhat like this using large cushions. Our living room is currently a smorgasbord of three televisions (one broken, one in a box, the other used), a dining room table with three chairs, an unused coffee table that is angled in a careless manner, two pieces of a four piece sectional, both at opposite ends, and a papasan chair. I wonder if my grandpa could help me with the technical parts of nailing pieces of wood together, because as far as I know, thats all it takes ;)


Little Girl was fixed today, it was horrid having to be by her side as she went through "heat" because she was miserable. All she wanted was relief...how sad. It was pretty sad becoming her up at the vet too, it sounded like her meows were asking, "WHY?" Its Friday, I hope we are going to borders cause I need to look at wood working magazines.

cravings

I am craving fried chicken and a hotel brunch buffet.

Happy Easter!

Here are the eggs I decorated. I only got to decorate 8 because having 10 year olds share 4 dozen eggs is too difficult, they work fast and messy. Next year, I'm doing it alone. And yes I think it would be more fun. Obviously I'm not ready to have kids yet... I've been waiting for FOUR years to color eggs, and I wasn't satisfied. Maybe I'll buy a kit and do it year round to get it out of my system. Then again, Easter wouldn't be special anymore if I did that.

dream state

I had a dream that I was working for Ellen and Dwayne Johnson was a guest star. He gave me his autograph and when he shook my hand, he pulled me up and did a WWF motion, twisting me up in the air. It was a rush.

dusk

Spritzing Versace first thing in the morning prompted an aromatic cue of a taste of Aotearoa. Driving home in the sun after dropping my mom off at work, put my mind into a state I haven't visited since I was there. Walking into Starbucks with the scent of coffee, petrol, Versace, sea salt wind and hard breezes was misplaced and welcomed. Encountering road work on my way to pick up my mom for lunch, prompting me to drive on the left side of the road was ironic. What were/are the reasons behind the blissful memories today? Is my conscious telling me to dive forth into the world with what I learned while I was there? Is it telling me to spend my money on an adventure I've been wanting to experience? Should I ignore, for once, my urge to not spend a dime regardless of how its taking a toll on my soul? I think so.

This is what I'm going to do, its already decided.

A funny story.

I woke up this morning and found my window open, just beside my bed. I wondered, "why would my mom open that window, why would she lean over my sleeping body to open THIS window, when there are two others?" So I asked her. She told me I woke up and it was raining, I opened the window and stared out at the rain for a long time, looked at her through my open door while she played Brain Age in the living room, then continued to stare out at the pouring rain.

I don't remember it raining today.

I went full circle.

So I was reading Mika's blog and going through some of my own thoughts, also post Terrance talk- and I came to the realization that I now know my dream job. Its not to sit in some boring office, 8-5 or to go tramping out in the forest educating people on the beauty that is Nature. My dream job is to travel for a few months at a time, living in said place and learning its culture. And when not traveling, living at home base doing who knows what. Maybe this isn't a realistic dream if I want to have kids, but for now I'm going to push away the questions and apprehensions and begin to seek out how I can find a job that will require me to travel. I realized this after I posed this thought with Terrance, "Do I want to live in California away from home and my family, because I am not settled with the idea of living at home at the age of twenty-two?" or "Do I want to work at home for however many months it takes me to save, so that I can ditch the job and plant myself on foreign ground for a few months?" Should I start to seek jobs at restaurants and coffee houses so that I can have the skills to find work in any country i find myself?

What I do know I need: money to save, money to pay off student loans, and money to pay for health insurance. This is what I do know and this is what is realistic. So perhaps for now, I 'should' be content on finding a steady, 40-hour week job to start saving up money. And yet, what will forever stop me from ever being content in this life is knowing (as far as my life motto goes), that I am not living in the moment, but working towards that moment. I don't like the idea of working towards the moment, although I suppose thats what school was and what life is about. So maybe this decision, I wouldn't be so happy with. My goodness, I think I've put myself back to square one.

I guess its time for lunch.

humour.

I almost walked into my door last night. It was shut, and it never is. Scared a bit of night lights out of me. The wind whistled last night with a constant thumping noise. Today, short hard bursts of rain, interspersed with cloudy sunshine.

aha.

Maybe it was the smorgasbord of thoughts I had before I went to sleep, but I can vividly remember the dream I had this morning. And I'm sure my subconscious wanted me to remember this dream because I woke up just as it was ending, or at least transitioning into a new dream. The firstish dream was of me pregnant and giving birth at the dining room table, it was quick and almost painless. About five minutes. I kept telling people in the dream that my second birth is probably going to be hell since my first was done with such ease. And to aid to my fear (but one that has kept me abstained) is that this child came from my first. Unfortunately as dreams are, I have no idea who that was. I also had a friend in the dream who was pregnant that was about to give birth the same day as me, but her contractions were just stress markers and she was put unto bed rest. (I wonder if this pregnancy dream came from watching Addison on Private Practice). Anyways, then it went to a dream where my cats were entered in a contest and I was hanging out with my NSLP. I received a book from a pretty stranger, one thats hair oddly resembled the pediatrician from Grey's Anatomy, but wore aviators to disguise her face. OH GOODNESS, perhaps signs that I watch too much television. OR that watching television right before I go to bed ignites too many images in my mind. Either way, wow.

Its another hot day here, I liked yesterday better. But mostly because I want to wash my hair and showering on a hot day with hot water is not so much fun.

repetitive thinking and standing still

I watched Slumdog Millionaire today with the grandparents and accomplished nothing this week. I do remember a time when I moved with time, but lately, I've been letting time float on by. I've always valued time as precious, but lately I've been taking advantage of it. When that stops, you'll be the first to know.

In other news, a couple days ago, I actually had the wits about me in regards to my fathers drunken stupor. Story: as I was leaving the house to go to my aunts house I decided (yes, I contemplated on just leaving) to say "bye." His response, "You need to get a life." My response, "I have one." The end. I felt victorious and the smile lasted an hour. My father doesn't think that going over to my aunts house to play scrabble with my grandma and aunt is 'a life.' I think its a life worth living. Any time to spend with family is time worth spent. Let me enter a burn: I suppose his life motto is, "any time with friends is time worth spent." Truth that is.

Oh, I'v also started to read 'The Fifth Mountain' by Paulo Coelho. I don't believe that I am a prophet or anything, but it does spark some curiosity that I once claimed to have spoken to angels. Note to self: inquiry. The curiosity stems only from the knowledge that I was never brought up with a religion, so why angels?
I am also reading 'Anna Karenina' by Leo Tolstoy. Very good book so far. Too thick to carry around so its become my nightside reading, trying to kick the habit of internet-before-sleep.

My grandpa loves company and loves family. One day I should go down to the beach with him while he fishes. He always asks, and I always decline. I think it would make his day.

P.S. This might be the root of my inability to concentrate on anything, or to sleep. I have way too many converging thoughts. Maybe I should write them down in here more often.

The weekend.

This weekend I had attended an aunt's funeral in Oahu. Her eulogy was beautifully expressed and it made me think of all of her accomplishments in her lifetime, unexpectedly shortened by an "accidental death." I haven't attended much funerals (in which the person died at a young age), but it always seems that the lives that they have led were full and the people they touched were heart felt. So as morbid as I may sound, the thought of my own death came to mind. In my eulogy, will my life have been so fulfilled. In hers, she was said to have reached Enlightenment. Have I? Or is it true, that my death will come when I have made my foot print in this world? And then I thought, do I want a funeral? Do I believe that we need a service to send our spirits in the right direction? Are funerals just a part of the mourning process? Or do I believe that, in this life, we are- in fact, living in heaven and hell, in any way that we choose to believe. So how much concern do I have for where my spirit goes in the afterlife, if I do in fact believe in an afterlife. So many questions, I know- but the chanting was long, monotonous and beautiful- and her entire congregation came to offer incense (at least 250).

I also decided that when I begin my family I am going to start the tradition of family reunions. As I was sitting there, seeing family members from Maui (who I never see) and family from Oahu (who I never ever see)- and I re-realized that I love family. Seeing them, hearing the chatter and being in their presence gives me a feeling of happiness that only family can bring. After the funeral we all went to my aunts moms house where I talked to cousins that I never actually talked to before. It was nice. Its weird that they are only a few years plus (under 30) older than I, yet are my second cousins. If I lived in Oahu, I think we would get along very well. Or at least that is the conclusion I came to, after hanging out with them for five hours.

Today was a long day. An emotional day. A social one.
In the end, a very fulfilling trip/vacation in which I finally got some Chicken Katsu Curry from Curry House.

a new beginning.

the start of a new month, the first monday. the first week.
its about time i start appreciating the little things again. yes, although my love never faltered, crushed ice and pepsi is heaven in a gulp (or sip in the least, since its frostiness causes brain freeze). my mission this week is to regain some control over my sleeping schedule. three am cannot feel like twelve. twelve cannot feel like nine. and three in the afternoon, cannot feel like ten in the morning. i have also taken out steve, he has been neglected for too long.

and since my dad sucks at following through, i'm painting a wall in my room red. trimming some edges white. and possibly going crazy with chalkboard paint. i also have high hopes for lamp shades.

Maui Times Click of the Week

breakfast.

Made from scratch hash browns, fried egg whites and bacon. The ultimate breakfast. The red plate is what makes it even better. Food on colored plates make me happy. Makes it feel cafe-ish, even in the dull kitchen. The inspiration I am feeding on for painting this utterly brown and yellow kitchen. Yet, it never bothered me when it was my grandmas. Point in fact, I sit in this kitchen too much. Or maybe color makes my day brighter. Either way... Anyways, since the Pavlova I have made banana bread and snickerdoodles. I think my next mission is to perfect the soft pretzel, a hopeful replication of the rustic pretzel i had in a german cafe.

Dear Mika,
if you sense a different style of writing (which i do) its all due to the Mama Milk music i am currently listening to, from your current blogs requisition. i am enjoying it loads, that is fact.

In other news, the newspaper was just thrown onto our driveway. its about that time i go to bed now.

tired.

it pains me that its been five days and i still haven't done shit (pardon the language, but it fully captures my sentiments at this very moment) with my life. its like i have managed to put my life on pause and forget where i placed the remote. then again i always feel this way at 4 in the morning. i think maybe i'll start piano lessons. or should i take a self defense class? both perhaps. i need a schedule for structure. i need to not have time to make the time, if that makes any sense.

Pavlova.

Pavlova: second attempt.

It was only after I scraped the first attempt off the cookie sheet did I remember I wanted a photo of it. The second attempt included- waiting until egg whites were room temperature, adding one cup of sugar one teaspoon at a time, not stopping the mixer during sugar addition, and longer cooking time. It is a very sweet dessert, but marvelously complemented with loads of fruits.

My plans for today: take the car.
In reality, I woke up to my grandpa yelling my name. I helped my grandpa take great grandma to the doctor, a beautiful 2 hrs. By which time, the car was gone and I was hungry.
The upside: the day I wake up early, my grandma is going to buy me a new mattress :) WOOHOO. (I've been sleeping on the ground for the past few nights, since the one night I struggled to sleep because my bed was not doing it for me). It is heavily concaved, and I have therefore adjusted my sleeping so that I lie near the edges. Who knew there was a reason for my conformation.

I will make one more Pavlova.
Next mission: whole wheat bread.

Regiment.

I decided that in order for me to get things done I need to manage my time. (i.e. 30 minutes of job searching a day or apply for 1 job every 2 days)- something like that.

In other news, I attempted making Pavlova last night. It fell. I'll post a pic after its been decorated. But bear in mind, the Pavlova I had in Aotearoa was about 4 inches high.

Revelations, past and present.

Dream Honeymoon: One month in Italy. Inspiration for this dream, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love reading travel books, more than any other type of book. I think its amazing- fantastic really, how people can recollect these memories so vividly and capture it so authentically, while having a very authentic experience. (And yes, how so very girlish of me having such premature thoughts).

The cycle of my on going life:
I do not want to find a mediocre job because I have a degree and do not want to waste it.
I do not want to find a real job because I don't want to feel stuck on Maui.
I need a job, mediocre or real, to start saving for the future I see for myself.

During my tenth reunion (of high school), I hope to be traveling the world. I do not want to be settled so soon. Or at the very least, by my tenth reunion, have lived in at least, two countries (excluding, Aotearoa and the States).

Inspiration from Mika, sketch my dream cafe.

productive.

NOT.
my stomach hurts & steeped peppermint tea is the only cure.

I like that I can order my official transcripts online, for free.
Next step, the job search.

t h e . b e g i n n i n g .

8 months of post-graduation infatuation.
And its about time I start my move on.